Conforming to the rules of someone else’s wants is a very hard task. Just like my father’s “commandments”; it made me think: Do I look like a 5 year old kid incapable of making a decision to herself? I hope not.
He used to tell me that his rules are the things that I must follow as long as I live in his house. It’s OUR house for goodness sake. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I never liked him that much. Before, I respected him because I so much fear his presence. But now, I respected him out of “utang na loob” (having a sense of gratitude). It looks bad, I know. But what can I do if he does things I’m not comfortable with?
I’m lucky that I have him. He’s a responsible father who does his job just to send us to good schools. He did not sexually abuse me. He’s a good father in those instances but he can never be an ideal one. Why? Because all I remember with him when I was a kid was the bruises he gave me, covering my whole body. He wanted to beat his kids like you think you can’t breathe from the pain just by looking at our crying faces. He sometimes used his feet and slippers to “teach” us lessons. And he was right; it etched in my mind and heart—leaving the scars so deep.
It’s not just the pain of the memories that hinders me from loving him truly, it’s the humiliation I get from my sister and brothers when he beats me or say things that slashes my being. He stopped “spanking” me when I was in my 2nd year high school. But still, no one can forget the days when he slowly cut the ties between us.
I remember the day when we had a conflict. Hurtful words just flew out his mouth or was it the beatings again? My mother was trying to reconcile us and we talked about it in my room; then she asked me: “Do you love your father, Jen?” I was tempted to say no and it took me a few seconds to answer her. At last I said yes—which commenced the day that I must lie and obey him blindly just to please him.
Will my feelings towards him have the chance to change? Maybe.