Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Sadness Illuminates the Night

I see shadows creeping in the corner of my eye. I see them crying. It must have been that sorrowful. I feel it too. This was the second saddest part of my life. The ultimate sadness that doomed me was during the noon of July 16, 2005. And this day marks the second most.

I feel pain. But I don’t feel anger. I don’t really know why. Maybe it suddenly exploded and that was it, perfect timing (I know what it meant now, Stary). I see the faces slowly encapsulating my grip of sanity. I am full of woes, of unending woes. But I certainly do understand it. I will never be good enough. So you seek happiness away from me. The worse thing was when I asked you, and you told me nothing but lie.

I am tired of understanding. I hope to understand but the pain is slowly blinding my vision. Does it have to end this way? Will I understand why it happened? How come it happened anyway?
I feel savageness as my stomach lurch from hunger, literally. But the pain and the whole in me can never be replaced by soothing words, even the small kiddie lovely guy I saw a few hours ago. But I am most hungry for explanation.

Although the reason you gave me was well, acceptable, I had still hesitations. But as I think of the things that I did the last months ago, I can say that you have made some hurtful but mature decision.

As what Kyle wrote on his blog, the more we err, the more we learn. And I really hope to hop on to the next chapter of my life. I don’t want that much affection in case it will bind me which could be the cause of my death. Live happy, live mysteriously, but live nicely. Do it for yourself. Love yourself so you can love others after. I hope to carry on this memento of life forever.


  1. Hi Jenny,

    I have missed coming to see you, too. I hope you are doing well, although this post makes me think you must be going through something very hard. I will pray for you, as I know the Christmas season is hard for you too. Let your heart stay soft, though. Don't harden it.

    Please, please remember that no matter what people may do, God really does love you and wants you to reach out to Him.

    Merry Christmas, my friend.

  2. By the way, did you get rid of your other blog? I can't seem to link to it anymore.

  3. Oh Jenny, I'm so sorry to read that you're hurting. I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug, sit down with you and let you just talk it all out. Instead, since we're separated by many miles, I pray for you. I pray that even in your pain you would reach out to the God who loves you so much.


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