Monday, August 22, 2011

"And things have been quite repetitive that I started to doubt myself..."

Time is running so fast I don’t even know how things have changed. Time…that would be one of the reasons but distance and priorities also played the part of how things and people are to me now. It makes me sad but I guess this is the only way…

I know that for some reason, I’m not that memorable. It’s in the face, see. And the more that I talk less, the more people would not notice that I actually exist beside them. That’s how I decided to guard myself from unwanted attention. Of course, human beings are in need of attention but I just got to the point where it doesn’t really matter that much when you don’t care for the person you’re getting it with. Do you know what I mean?

It’s called self preservation thing, being aloof is. I mean, not entirely aloof but, well…OK. Maybe a bit. It’s like this comfort zone to me. I’m not friendly and I’d say I’m very lucky to be friends with my friends now. I know that true friends will stick with you no matter what. And I know that they will. But when certain situation occurs, you decide for yourself how things should be from that moment on. One example would be: UNEMPLOYMENT.

I have been dreading to actually tell them the truth why I never maintained in contact with them but I told them anyway. I was depressed that time that I kept them away from me. And I would say to myself, “Well, it’s self-preservation thing.” And it’s true. For that year that I never was lucky to find a job, I kept away from their get togethers, made excuses, delayed everything and just acted as if I’m somewhere far with no means of communication whatsoever (and also because at that time, I was having difficulty collecting myself together with the recent, er, happenings). It’s hard for me to say, “Yeah, I totally get what you mean about salaries and overtimes and you know, those sort of things about being employed” because I was not. And I really don’t want to feel that I’m being unsupportive with them because I really am! I just don’t want to feel sorry for myself—as I was already am at that time—even more.

What was more difficult was them talking about things that you really wanted to experience and you were left there asking, “Oh really? Looks like fun. I wish I could experience that too”. It was REALLY tough. At first it was okay since I can still say things like, “Soon, I’ll get a job. It’s not like the end of the world, right? And I believe I can still find a good job.” And things have been quite repetitive that I started to doubt myself if I will ever find that job. And that’s when I started doubting myself and just decided to cut all communications with everybody. Then I realized how silly of me think that this great plan would never backfired on me. I’m not sure if my friends are doing it on purpose but they’re not texting at me anymore. :P Or when I send them an sms, they would ignore it the way that I ignored them before. It was an odd feeling but I felt a bit weird about it. I know that it was my fault and I deserve it. Oh well, that’s life.

2 comments:

  1. So this is why you have distanced yourself from us? Tssssk. Pero on one point, I feel you. There would always be moments na we feel out of place because we're not on the same page with our friends. But hey, they're still our friends and employed or not, friends still stick to each other. :) Love u Jen. Missing u big time too. :P

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  2. yeah.hahaha!diba?naa sad ko point slight?hahaha!mar, na realize nimo na were communicating in three different ways karon?-skype, twitter ug dire?? :P Miss you tooooo :)

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