Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Apologies

I did things in the past I’m not proud of and in one way or another, I caused people pain. This is one of the things which are really tough to write since I’m viewing this in their perspective. I mean, who would know that you’re hurting someone when you thought you’re doing the right thing? I didn’t have ANY idea that I have hurt them, not until they started drifting away… And it’s hard, not because they’ve separated themselves from you but because you thought that you’re friendship could withstand that kind of obstacle, that they would understand you’re shortcomings, that they would forgive you and that they would see some goodness in you. Apparently not.

I get easily attached to people. At some point, I have around 50 friends, then next year, around 10 stays. And even though it’s always happening, I still find myself half expecting to find them smiling at me at the end of the bridge. And then I get to think things through. Maybe they’re going on with their lives without me because I’m this stuck up bitch that they don’t want to get associated with. Maybe it is so.

So in this entry, I’m going to say sorry to those people whom I thought I’ve hurt. I may not cover it all up but I’m still working on it. Some actually stayed. But some just…I don’t know where they are or what the hell they’re doing.

First, I’d like to say sorry to JA for pestering you for that book. I never should have done that. I could’ve asked you in a friendly way but I didn’t. I admit I said terrible things. And if my mom’s alive, she would not have let a book get into our friendship. And for that I am terribly sorry.

Second to CD et al, for doubting your commitment in your work that lead to some people being dragged to the whole situation. I don’t have the courage to tell you that it was me because I know you’d hate me. I’m sorry for being a coward, for not telling you that it was me all along, for letting other people take the blame, for being weak. I’m planning to tell it to you, I just don’t know when yet…

Third to AB, for telling you that I don’t like you when in truth, I really did like you. If you must know, I was committed back then and even if I was not, I couldn’t. Long distance relationship isn’t really my thing.

Fourth to JL, for always raising your hope up and then doubting your sincerity—you don’t deserve that. I love you, and I’ll always will. I’m lost now and I can’t be with anyone. Not just yet.
Fifth to JE, for denying you the chance that you so much deserve and for letting you take that fork even though I know in my heart, I’m not ready yet.

Sixth to AM, for bringing in the past that you’ve worked out so hard to forget, I’m sorry. I should have known better. I’ve lost you once, and now I have lost you forever.

Seventh to SL, for always dragging you into my life’s mess when clearly, you don’t want to be bothered anymore. You’re better when you’re left alone. We can’t be friends yet but when things change, I hope we could sort things out. I now understand that just because I sooo want us to work doesn’t mean were made for each other.

Eight to MG, for telling you that you’re a waste of space and that she doesn’t love you. You are God’s gift to her and even if I don’t like you the way a sister should do, I don’t want you to be haunted by my childishness comments.

Nine to RG, for not being good to you as any daughter should be to her father who sacrificed so much just to give us all that we need and want. Trust me, I’m trying my best to get things at least in sync with you’re expectations.

Tenth to LT, for now showing you how much you were loved—I should have hugged you that July of that year. Trashing you in front of my friends despite all your efforts was unforgivable Now, I have a lifetime of regret.

Eleventh to you, for hurting you and not remembering to say sorry and even forgetting what it was all about, may you not hold grudges against me.

And to You, because I was/am ungrateful in any way possible.

Things aren’t going to change just because I said my apologies. But I’m hoping it’s a start of healing, of moving on (although I still have 1 unfinished business to CD), of letting go, of telling the truth form this moment on, of treasuring people’s emotions, and hopefully of forgiveness…

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