Monday, September 12, 2011

Totally Random

I’ve been a bit lost these past several days that I started to not care about anything at all. I don’t know what’s gotten into me but to tell you truth, I’m a bit restless. Tired of everything...I’m not even sure what I want.

Last day, I started to question myself for the reason of my existence. It was never the first time but this time, it was a bit deeper. Once in our life, I know that we all questioned why we live and that’s one of the reasons why we take pride in our ability to question things.

It happened when I was reminiscing the days when I can still talk to my mom. Then it crawled to me those people that I knew who died unceremoniously. I just wanted to know if my mom and Jun2 (and all those people that I love) were able to know the reason of their existence before they died. Or if they had a sudden light bulb moment and said “Eureka!” before being hit a truck or by a car or by stab in the back by a certain sickness. Were they able to prepare themselves and actually discover the secrets of life or could it be that they just took one last breath, closed their eyes and just floated away?

Now that I’m thinking much about this whole death and reason of existence things, I’m actually afraid of death. I think everyone does. I’m not yet prepared to die. I have not yet enjoyed this life, I have never been to places that I wanted to go, I have never expressed gratitude to those people who were so good to me, I haven’t met my future husband for goodness sake! I’m just not ready to die. I came to a conclusion that it’s better to have some cancerous cell in my body and actually know when to expect death than to live like this, to live like death is always haunting you. To be constantly unprepared and be afraid of every people that you’re going to leave behind is just unbearable.

I know that I said in one of my previous post that I’m not afraid and don’t really care about dying. But now I’m eating my words. And I’m actually shaking in my boots thinking in what way I’ll die. I know I’m  not gonna be spared with all the pains of dying but I just wanted to know when exactly I’ll die. Can you believe that? This is actually me talking about how scared I am with death. Pffft. So this is one of the disadvantages of being 22, I guess. :P

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