Friday, November 4, 2011

Messy Day

Today, I really feel like a total idiot. :| Thing is, I got curious as to why I’ve been thinking about this person so, in order to get an answer to all these questions that have been bothering me since last Sunday, I decided—in all cautiousness, to text him. You know, just a simple hello and yeah, I asked him how he was. FACE PALM.

I know I shouldn’t have done that. I’m not yet sure about this thing that I have so…GRRRR! Okay, so I was jumpy all day and I kept on checking my phone to see if someone sent an sms…BUT, it’s just my father and some useless ads by my network.  I HATE THIS. Now I know why—if my hunch is true—he hates me. He can have all the reasons in the world to hate me and to be honest, I hate myself too!

The only consolation I have was when he smiled at me the last time we saw each other. Or maybe he’s just being civil? The funny thing is, I keep on picturing my future with him. It’s like a virus. It won’t go away.

Have you ever experienced doing things—things you never thought you’d do but you did—just so you can be good enough to that one person? It’s what I’m feeling right now. And it’s crazy! I can’t tell it to my friends cause right now, I feel like I’m going crazy! :P No honestly, I doubt anyone could understand me. I have this numbness in my hands like needles puncturing them like ALL DAY. I can’t explain it well. :(

I feel like I have matured enough during the last 5 days. And with just that encounter, I have become a different person (That really sounds like a creepy person talking). I even prayed to God for Him to give me a real job—not this job with my father’s business but a real one, like REAL REAL with co-workers and everything that suggests that I am officially a young professional. I think the reason why this “thing” pushed me to find a real job was because he has one and he’s pretty accomplished at what he does…and I’m not. And I want him to be proud of me. That-didn’t-sound-right. :|

Anyway, that fairytale didn’t go so well (as I would assume now) because he seemed uninterested with my sms and, I WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! I’m also afraid that the thing that I have won’t last because I have been through this whole situation before and it didn’t last long and I ended up hurting him. So what I need to do now is to get a job, be definite with my decisions and be more committed to everything that I do and decide. What goes around really comes around. And as what I have said: It’s me who should try harder next time…that is, if there’s a next time.

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