Thursday, November 24, 2011


I'm so bored I want to kill myself. I just wanted to talk and talk and talk more and maybe when I'm done, I can answer some of the questions that's been bothering for the past week.

You know that feeling that you are jealous--in general--but you can't do anything about it? You could be jealous to some girl he's with, or the life others have, or just the contentment that they feel. Why? I know I should'nt be questioning him but it's difficult not to when I'm feeling this way. I wish that he would love me more than anyone but I know that it's not possible. Who am I ask him that?

What's ahead of me? I don't know. All I know is that I'm here and I'm not yet dead--which means I have to fulfill something. But what is that something? What? I'm getting impatient. I don't want to wait anymore. But do I have a say in this relationship? DO I? But in the first place, have I build that relationship for me to ask that?

I feel like I'm not important to him. Although he said that I am, I still feel that I'm not. Now, I just realized that I don't trust him enough. I don't trust him fully. Which is the cause of all these hesitations, of these anxieties, of this discontentment. But how do you trust someone you don't feel often? How?

This is probably the darkest time of my life. I'm full of questions than ever. I always try to say that everything's fine and that all things will go well. But I know in my heart I still have this hesitation. It's not a question of "Can he do it?" but it's more like "Will he do it?" Or is this all part of being with him? I know it's hard but I still want to commit. I just think that this is part of why I'm here--to be with him. Not just here but in the future--or in eternity.

When I decided to start my 40-day spiritual journey, I thought that it would be as simple as reading some fiction book. But it's not and it's crazy that I get to questions stuffs that I haven't thought of before. I think I'm going mad...

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