Thursday, December 8, 2011

Night Chat With Friends

I had an in-depth conversation with Kim and Lloyd a while ago. We were planning our get together (God willing) this December and I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM! I haven't seen some of them for over a year now and just the thought of us spending some quality time together (SOON) keeps me going! It feels good to keep in touch with them once in a while. And today, they made me so HAPPY!

During that short conversation we had over Facebook, we talk a little bit about our own spiritual growth over the past years. Each of us has something to share. I know I have so much to learn but to connect with them in that way is just...different. I just started my journey 26 days ago and my Bible reading some 16 days ago so I really need to double up my pace. Hmm, not that I'm in a hurry but I can't connect the dots when I'm reading because it's been a long while since I've read the Bible. Some of the things that has happened seem blurry now. Can you imagine? I even forgot that Cain and Abel (and Seth, yes) were sons of Adam and Eve! I thought they were just some far descendants of our first parents! I know I'm shameful. :( BUT, I'm doing everything I can to make it up for the lost times.

I really feel that each of us grew up spiritually (and as Lloyd said, "we grew up as a person...but one can never be mature enough"). It's amazing how we used to talk about our crushes, projects, thesis, SAD, Philo, and some simple things but now, we're taking it all up into the next level. It's a different kind of experience, talking to them now than before. I hope we can have a more serious talk when we see each other.

Can't wait to see you all (Mature)4+1 :D

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

I Will Live Life The Way it Should Be!

A decision to make. Today, I made a list of all the things I MUST do to have a happy life - pray all day everyday, be patient especially to my brothers, stop cynicism, smile ALWAYS, be happy for everyone, etc. It's basically a promise to myself and a guiding list as well to have a happy life. It's something that I needed especially in times like these. Happiness is always a choice and I'm choosing to be. And today, I will leave all the melancholic emotions and just focus on the things that'll make me happy. No more crying and feeling sorry for myself, no writing negative things, just love and support. :)

Baby steps (this is so tough!). My will power was tested a while ago. BUT I PASSED it! Moving from the things that makes me sad is taking all of my strength. But when you did the things you thought are impossible and overcome it, the feeling is just AWE-SOME! And that includes steering away from the temptations of stalking their sns accounts. :P It'll take a while but I'm slowly getting used to it. I CAN DO THIS! You CAN do this Jen!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Long Gone And Moved On

Yesterday I saw their picture. They're all smiling and they seem happy... I don't know what did it but I clicked the thumbnail which made me cry inside. At first it was nothing. It's just a picture. But then when I scrolled down to read the comments, my heart fell. He's moved on... THAT FAST. I didn't really thought of him as the type who would move on that easily but what do I expect? He pretty much did the same thing when we were in high school.

Just a while ago, I checked their picture. AGAIN. A couple of comments were added and that, for me, was the period sign. A BIG DOT that ends everything. It's PAINFUL and I'm full of regrets but I guess that's what I have to pay for all the awful things I did to him.

I think there's no point for me to linger because I know he wouldn't change his mind. I was really hoping for that moment where he would say, "I'm still gonna wait." But I should have known better. For more than a month, I was being this crazy and indecisive shithead - worrying about him. But what I didn't know was that he already made up his mind. And I reaped what I planted. Hmmm, this whole situation kind of reminded me about the song Long Gone and Moved On by The Script. It's really a good but sad song. You should listen to it. I think I'll be playing that one before I go to sleep tonight. :P

Yes, it is my fault. I'm responsible for all this hurt that I'm feeling right now. But what I don't understand was WHY he practically gave up on me without even asking me first what I WANT. That for me was the most painful thing of all. Yes, I deserve it but I'm just having a hard time ACCEPTING things. If he just asked me then if I want him to leave, I would've have said NO. When we were talking (or rather texting) that time, I had this thinking of asking him to stay. But I know I don't have the right to ask him that, not when he already told me that he can't wait any longer. I was disappointed, true. But I now realized that it was all part of molding me to be a responsible person the next time around. I prayed for Him after we had that conversation, I prayed to the Holy Spirit to give me guidance but nothing. I made the decision myself without asking God first. I asked for guidance AFTER I decided things on my own. And that was my downfall.

All those posts that I've published, all the anguish stories that I've written, all the regrets that I have shouted, I'm now gonna leave it at that. It feels like I have gone through my third break-up without even realizing it. It just hit me right in the face, right when I saw their photo. He's done and I should move on. I should stop this madness. The sooner the better. All should be well...

Monday, December 5, 2011

Mixed Emotions

I never thought I would feel like this. My beliefs are stronger than ever but at the same time, I feel like I'm vulnerable. I never felt like this before. It's not love. It's greater than love and it's a mixture of emotions and you can't really describe them fully even though you know what sad means, or happy, or anxious. Of course, how can a human like me express all this in a sentence or two? I'm bothered about it but at the same time I'm not!

I know that God has a HUGE plan for my life but I can't stop myself from feeling impatient and I know it's bad but I sometimes, well almost all the time, question him about this. Why can't I be perfect? Why can't I do everything to please him? Why do I need to be this imperfect sinner? Why didn't he make me just a liiiiittle bit prudent?

I know that I'm a work in progress but it's damn hard!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

That One Thing That Frustrates Me

For some reason, some people still calls me inday (a word in a Filipino language that can be loosely translated to 'little girl') - which is REALLY ANNOYING. Come on, people. I'm already 22 years old! I sometimes wear glasses just to STRESS out that I am mature enough and for people to stop treating me like a little kid. Seriously,  it gets on my nerves especially when someone would talk to me and dismisses me like I'm a 10 year old.

First theory: It's because of my height. I feel that it's about my height and I hate it. Although God told us to love ourselves, I just can't help but to feel awful that I'm SUPER short. And sometimes I'm really tempted to drink some height enhancement pill even if it's that expensive (I have ruled that out after a few days of reading The Purpose Driven Life but you know, temptations are always there). I just don't understand why my brothers get to be this tall and I'm stuck in this height for the rest of my life. And people will always make me feel like I don't belong in the adult world, like my opinions are never valued and that everything that I do or say will always be scrutinized or branded as something not worth paying attention to. It sucks.

Second theory: I wear baggy pants and shirts. Well that's because I'm in our house, doing nothing. So why would I dress to impress? I take some effort when I run some errands but not when I'm in our house. And one of my father's employee would talk to me as if he's talking to some kid who can't easily understand what he's saying. The shadow of being this Dora-like person is like a stink that won't go away!

Third theory: My small but audible voice. My voice is not that high-pitched but sometimes, people would say that I talk like a kid. And I will say this without bias or anything but I-certainly-am-NOT-talking-like-Bubbles-of-Power-Puff-Girls-or-some-random-crackpot-cartoon-character.

I also remembered that time when I was applying into this banking company and for some reason, the HR officer told me that I write like a kid--like her grade 2 niece. How's that even possible?! All I did was to write that bloody essay about my greatest achievement in life and made sure that it's readable and now I'll be accused of being this little kid writing an adult essay and I KNOW in my heart that I will be haunted by her comment for the rest of my life! She even asked why I write that way. And because I was so surprised with what she said, I just told her that I'm not good at writing with my hands. Stupid me.

Please, please, please people. Just treat me like an adult. It's been two years since I wrote that 'I'm Not a Kid Anymore' post and I still can't get away with this you-look-like-a-kid comment. It's frustrating!

Now that feels great, just letting it all out. :)

I Miss You

I miss you. I miss you, really. I miss you all the time. I can't think of anything but you. It's creepy, I know but I don't know what's wrong with my brain. A part of me wants to tell you that I like you but the other part of me is still hesitant about this whole I-like-you thing. And I can't tell you because if I do, I would lose all those kilig emotions that I'm feeling now.

Everyday I'm reminded of that month where I almost asked you to go with me and my friends on our supposedly vacation in Camiguin (we were allowed to bring a friend/girlfriend/boyfriend). Arrrrgh!

I know did terrible stuffs to you and I know that even though you're civil with me, you hated me for the things that I did to you. This is crazy. I'm crazy.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Hello December!

December is FINALLY here! I'm sooooo excited for this month! I can't believe that the month that I've been waiting to come since August is HERE! Things are happening too fast that I even have a hard time keeping it in my brain!

Okay, so the little reflection that I had today was with the chapter I'm in. I'm already in day 20 (halfway there!) on my 40-day spiritual journey. It feels like I'm relearning everything but with so much new discoveries. It's kind of a surprise to me since most of my learning years were spent in a Catholic school and to know (and not just refurbish my memory about what happened in the past) new things is just amazing.

In my readings today, I've learned that "God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God." I felt a little proud when I read this. :P ALTHOUGH I couldn't really say that I DID EVERYTHING, at least I did SOMETHING. My readings also reaffirmed some of my hesitations. It's a whole new experience for me and it's enlightening at the same time. :)

I wish to share it with you the next time around. When I'm all done and when I have reflected everything, I hope I'll have the wisdom to share it with people. :D

Until next time! :)

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