Thursday, November 29, 2012

I Look Mature. THANK YOU!

I know this happened a few months ago but everytime I see this, I smile and I try to hug myself for accomplishing something. EEE. Iris pm'ed me on Gtalk one cold afternoon and asked me some question with a beautiful comment. So our conversation happened like this (translation to the above picture):

Iris: Is your picture (on G+) a recent one?

Me: Yes. :)
Iris: You look all grown-up! (Although she said those words interrogatively in our dialect and used the word mature, I prefer to use grown-up. Much so, I refused to take that comment as a way of saying that I look old and weary, thank you very much.)
Me: thank you :) (while smiling broadly staring on my screen in disbelief. ARRRGH!)

And this is what I can say to Iris: You are indeed a true friend. :D

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


Am I really? Kai asked me that today and I said to myself, “Bitaw no?” I cannot say for sure. It’s too early to tell. I haven’t had a talk to myself, so to speak. I don’t want to make things complicated by jumping into that conclusion. Not yet. It wouldn’t be fair (And I realized that I’m all for fairness, honesty, and equality these past days… I think I’m poisoned or something).

Things are new and I don’t think it is. But I can’t be so sure, can I? I think I’m moving into this depth obliviously. I need time. And more than anything, it needs time. I’m confused as hell. Today was crazy. I kept on catching myself thinking of unnecessary things… I’m a wreck.

Bruno Mars did this to me. That I can be sure. Or was it Brandy? Either way, I’m screwed… and I think its killing me…

Friday, November 23, 2012

History Repeating Itself

I never thought that this would become like a monster. And I have long fought about it since the time it was invented. I feel like I’m not supposed to be known, like I’m a mistress even though I definitely am not. And just when things are getting cozier—at the moment it seems like it—it suddenly became so cold it hurts.

I must be crazy about fairytales, princes, happily ever after and what not that I instantly bang my head when things get bumpy. I think most of us believe that there are some things that are incorruptible, that even when we’re suffering, there’s always happiness that comes after it, that even though some people lie, others—especially the one you cared for—will not. And for some, it is true. But it isn’t for others. I suppose I wasn’t lucky this time.

When something like this happened before, I became irritated. Why keep things when you’re supposed to be OK, if not proud about it? But this time, I felt a twinge; no, not that much but still, enough to cause me half a day of disheartenment. It was laughable at first. But when you realize the gravity of it, you question things. And then you question the other good things that come with it. Why? I do not have any idea. I wanted to ask, but… It’s really a decision that has been made even before that matter came to life.

Most of us think that we can get over it. But this whole hoo-ha will only fade depending on one’s explanation when the right time comes… because I’m not getting anything as of the moment, really. And as long as this isn’t over, you will still question the sincerity. You tread carefully, hoping to bridge things again. But at the end of the day, you’ll still feel shit about. I will sure remember it once in a while because as much as I wanted to bury the hatchet, I can’t yet. And when things get down to that level, it’s like saying, you mustn’t tell a soul about any of it because who would believe you anyway? No one. It became an obvious way of saying, "I don't want to be associated with you." OUCH.

The hurt will go away, but the worst part was the disappointment that comes after all the pain. I guess we all have our skeletons to hide in our closets. Unfortunately, with all the things that has happened, it feels like I’m one damn skeleton to bury.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Anybody Out There

I don’t do this. I do not normally do this. EVER. Eeer, okay, maybe sometimes but.. This is really exhausting. Someone needs to punch me, right in the face if you can, please.

That, as much as I want to be clear, is not a cohesive voicing out of thoughts. I’m getting chickened and all. Am I stupid to do this after all? After telling to myself that I can do this? That I can surpass this with flying colors? Did I make the wrong decision? Or I’m just being judgmental? I have long accepted that that quality is passing. But this time, this time this whole…stuff is bloating like it’s about to explode!

I’ve actually searched for similar situations and I was stunned. There are lots. And when I read their stories, I got disheartened by a few, and a little confused by others. I need some serious help. And quick before it will tear everything apart.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Second Chance

One week. That all it takes for me to get THREE bloody proposals. One was a yes, the other two—ignored and ditched. I find it hard to be in this kind of situation because I feel somewhat responsible for their actions… (As I was typing this post, I was carefully choosing my words as people might get upset over it)

Although it made me confused still, I have made my decision. And I want to stick to it. I REALLY DO. Emotions… It’s something that you can’t control no matter how hard you try. And I… do not know if this is correct but I’m taking the plunge…the risk, the danger of the so-called second chance. Where this will lead me? I have no idea. I do not want to screw this up. Are we on the same page? I’m not sure. I’m a little bit unprepared for this one. Although I said that I am more ready this time around, I’m not sure if we are on the same level of emotions.

Undergoing through this tough week, I realized a lot of things. One: People do hurtful things to each other not knowing that at the end of the day, when everything’s gone, there’s no going back. We do stupid things thinking nothing’s going to change, that everything will still be the same after we fucked up, but once you get burned so much, you’re just too sore to even bother. You feel sorry for them, true. But they had their chances (with a big S, mind you) and sadly, they blew it. Two: Commitment is important in every aspect of life, but the conviction to stay committed is a whole different story. I feel like every day is a constant battle to be faithful. And I’m really trying my hardest. I think I have not broken my promise yet but this is getting tough. Third: Grab every chance you got. We can only get insured in a life plan, but never in another’s heart.  Ok, I’m getting sentimental and this is getting creeeeepy. The mere mention of heart is like a horror film waiting to explode. HAHAHA!

I’m just hoping that I made the right decision. Yikes! I don’t want to get stuck in a situation I don’t want to be in. We’ll see…

Friday, November 9, 2012

Fastcraft Madness

On our way to Bohol, Sang, Ching and I were playing around and Sang--the model (LOL)--gave her best pose (like she alwasy does).

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