Sunday, April 21, 2013

I Had A Fall Out

Yes, I had a fall out.

Everything slowed down as I saw it, smiling on that picture, so happy, so inlove, so insanely out there. And I cried. I can’t help but cry. Because I know people were rooting for them. They were rooting for themselves even. And everyone liked the pair, the flowers through LBC (yes, I stalked! With an ed. But gee, that was before, way WAY before), the dinner out all over the place, the happy things they did.  I didn’t even bother to look at the dates. I just cried and immediately closed that horrific tab. I can’t type correctly even on my phone while asking stuffs about it to J because I was sobbing hard. But J said it’s an old one. I didn’t try to check if it was really. All I know was I needed to get away. And fast I should go before I drown in melancholy.

The thing about it was that it happened when I was all over the place. A mess, still finding some answers on what went wrong, on how to salvage everything when October of 2011 came… It was one of my darkest days. Months even. But gradually I continued to thread out of faith, believing that He will take care of me. And He did. But before that day came, I was wallowing in misery for almost a year. And as I said to J, it cuts me raw. As if it’s a validation of all the things that I neither want to hear nor see during those times of darkness (yeah darkness coz I thought I lost myself there). Because every time I think of those months when all I could write was how painful things were, tears well up fast. And to see it is beyond unthinkable. To actually be the witness of some nightmare you wished never really happened is simply…I don’t know. Beyond imagination, I suppose.

That picture reminded me of how I almost lost J. Almost. I hope I’ll be understood. And I know it’s my fault, all of it. I know that. And people can all blame me for it. But as much as I try to control the freakiness in me, it won’t go away. It’s like a black hole ready to perish all the living soul in me, all the happy things we had, and all I cherished most. It is tough. More than anyone can know. I don’t want to command things to J just because things are not what they were before. And for the record, I did not coerce anyone to do anything. I asked and J said yes. So much about crying, I should have known better.

All is well, I think. J assured me that it was all part of the prologue. Ours is already starting to make shape. And I would call it, Chapter I: Oui, the Affirmation.

All should be well...

A Thousand Years - Jun Sung Ahn Violin Cover

I should be doing my Project Proposal but I do not have the motivation to do so. I'm worried that I might not finish it on time but it’s as if I do not care as of now. Aaarrgh. Anyway, I’m listening to A Thousand Years of Jun Sung Ahn violin cover. I could melt. It’s a dreamy tune. You’ve got to listen to this.

April 20, 2013

And so one day, little clingy girl ask his man, “Do you still love me, right?” She was bracing for the: “I’m not sure. Stop pestering me.” A bit harsh but yes, she was expecting for an answer closely related to that. And then, to her surprise, he said, “Very much. I love you,” and blew a kiss that exploded like a thousand times inside her.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Roller Coaster Weeks

I was feeling a bit dazed about the things that’s been happening to me lately. Some are good, really good. And some were bad, real bad. I feel like I’m in a roller coaster ride – ALONE. But no, not lonely. I’m just too afraid to let things go as they are because then, I would have no control over it, over things. Not your usual control freak of a woman but, yes, maybe I’m that. But maybe not that much. I don’t know. This past two weeks’ been more like an experience full of anxieties. And God knows how much I prayed for this all to go away; that he knows my heart more than anyone in this world.

There are a lot of things to realize but I summed it all up into three most significant realizations I experienced so far.

Realization number one: Words are really mightier than sword. No matter how good you try to be to the people you know, once you’ve said something, it will be etched to their minds – erasing all the good things you’ve done. It’s my fault, really. But this time, I think I’ve crossed the line.

Out of frustration over that certain time, I’ve said some derogatory remarks to someone. Other people have said that same thing to that person but I was the only one who said that horrible thing aloud. A few seconds after I said it, I realized how it could hurt her. No excuses can be made for it. I’m just, tactless. And this is the reason why I don’t want to be mad… or frustrated or irritated or anything that is synonymous to that. I’m becoming a monster. Why? Or maybe I’m always that monster. And all the things I believed, all the good things I thought I possess are just…superficial (I haven’t resolved this one yet).

Realization number two: Power changes people. Some for good because by the time came that they will get hold of the Excalibur-like seat, they’ll act more responsible, more understanding, more patient, more humble, just more, you know. But some will get stuck of the thought that they were the only one who got hold of that mighty sword among the bunch of conquerors who tried to pull it out. Oh, what I am even talking here (nerd alert). I don’t want to be the one who got stuck into oblivion because they assumed that they have all the power in the world. I want to be worthy of everything that will come my way. It sounds, uh, noble (or perhaps crazy!) but I know I have a lot to prove than just this mere words. Maybe an immersion of some kind is what I need.

But experiences similar to realization number one bring people to their feet. To keep us grounded. I know I was able to pull myself back at that instant but it takes much effort to bring a broken heart to heal. She’s right. I’m young. I need to learn things. Tact is really not my strongest point.

Realization number three: Great love does not exist. And you cannot label one love from the other. Just because they are different with regards to the experience you get, or because you fought so hard for that relationship to work and make people see it will that you can call it your ‘great love’ or whatever. I realized that now. It will always be different. Not that I tried comparing. I’m just confused because I thought I found my great love. But with these things I’m experiencing now, I don’t think I really have or that they existed, for that matter.

As some wise man once said, you must first love yourself, then your family, then some person who’ll treat you like a trash or like a princess. Because no matter what will happen in the end, you’ll still need to left some for yourself. Enough to go on if need be or enough to stay, hoping he won’t turn into a frog just like how others turned out to be.

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Pilgrims, Asungots, and Angels

Last week, my co-workers and I, together with our bosses had a Year-End Operations Review. It was my first time to join it. It was okay. The first day was nice. The second day was a bore. I know, I know, the second day was suppose to be the meat of the whole event but what can I say, I just don't like sitting in a room with people reading reporting.

So the first day was a bit fun. Among the games he (a consultant from PAHRODF) introduced, I found the ones with pilgrims, asungot (nuisance), and angels enjoyable the most. It struck me in a way that this is what our lives are in summary. And I began to think how these simple things can be viewed as some symbolism that could help us somehow understand what's happening in us. 

Commencing the activity, we were divided into three groups; we also took turns in being the pilgrims, the asungot, and the angels. The goal of the pilgrims was to travel in a certain path blindfolded while the asungots will try to stray them away from their destination and the angels guiding them to the right path. As I was able to be an asungot in the first round, I realized how easy it is to be such. I do not know why but I guess, I do not necessarily feel responsible for the pilgrims. Guess the evil in my just shows (laughs). XD

On the second round, my boss was able to strategize what we need to do to reach our destination unscathed. We were able to but I think our front man did a little bit of tweaking with his blindfold - my officemate told me so. It was sad cause I was really wanted to reach the finish line with all the journey's glory. Oh well, it happens. During the course of the travel, I was really feeling everything. I felt like I was traveling for my life. Yeah, that's a whole lot of drama.

The third round, we were able to play the role of the angels. Thank God, I'm not as evil as I thought my role would be for the rest of the activity. We didn't really do much since most of the participants knew where to go. They saw the first group struggle, the second one (that's us) somehow cheated was a little bit too eager to win, and then there's them. The path was not really that uh, challenging and they were able to anticipate were to go so I guess it's easy for the third group to reach the place of glory.

By the end of the activity, we were all laughing hard. It was fun especially when the first one almost went outside the hall. Okay, maybe because I opened the door but we were the asungots. I mean, what do you expect? But it was done in a harmless way. I'm not going to lead them in the swimming area or something...bad, ya'know. :P

Ending the activity, our consultant - shout out to Mr. Alwin D. Macalalad - asked us of some realizations (Translation: the part where most of the people ask us in real lives where we screwed up and why). We all have our realizations. Each of us are in some sort of journey or a pilgrimage. Others call it life. While some would relate that pilgrimage as their careers. Yet, there's also others who view this journey as a passing one.

In all kinds of journey, there will be situations which will act as the nuisance in our lives. But apart from that, there will also be people or situations that will help us to reach our destination. It's up to us to trust those who and what we'll trust. BUT we must also remember that trusting blindly is not the way things should be. Apart from that, my boss mentioned that we easily finished the challenge because we were able to create a strategy, learned the downside of how the first group handled the activity and manage to formulate a way to reach the end safely. True enough, even in our lives, we do not need to experience all the mistakes in the world just so we can say that we learned something from them. As I always say, experiences of others are there for us to see what are the downsides of all situations. Lessons learned will act as our guiding factor in all the decisions we will going to make. Like history, we can have a grasp of what went wrong to the Ninth Troop who marched to Caledonia which lead to their massacre. Although that would account to different truths, you get my point. :P

In every journey, as pilgrims, we are always faced with an angel and a nuisance. It will be difficult to identify who really tells the truth and who doesn't in times like these - which will lead me to my other realization: Our destination will just be that without the "how" of the journey. As cliche as it may sound, it's the journey. The ups and downs, the times when we almost gave up, or the time when we got lost along the way, the people we met, the foes who tried to put us down - or simply the haters, the free-riders, and a whole lot of characters we would never thought we'd meet.

Okay, that's a WHOLE LOT of reflection going on. My brain cells are a little bit dried up. :)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Happy Anniversary!

One year! Milestone! Anniversary! Yep. February 23. Marked it! I didn’t even know until I remembered it just today. Who would have known that I’ll last this long and be somehow good at this whole thing. We humans generally reach for something unreachable. I’m not sure if this whole set-up is ideal or right or good but I’m enjoying things. God gave this to me, that’s for sure. Unconsciously, I was praying to be here and I only realized that this is all of it, the one that I hopelessly wished, when I was in the middle of this wonderful gift. He knows everything about me. Every day is a just a blessing. Okay, I’m a little bit disoriented but yeah, I’m happy. :) Parteeey!

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I Am The Mover of Change

I have been an advocate of honesty—even though I am having trouble with that as well, like everybody does. And I’m trying so hard to be the prompt, truthful, and sensitive public servant. And I believe, most yuppies of today’s generation are doing what they can to make a change, to contribute to the conservation of anything—something worth saving in this world. But last week, I am not so sure about that anymore.

How does one evolve from one innocent person to this whole monster that you cannot even look every time you remember that truth? Am I that horrible to even judge? I know I still have the light to be the mover of change. But some people who have become so accustomed to the reality of life have long given up that light. The reality that even if you work hard, you will still feel battered because no one’s giving you that recognition you deserve. And in return, you fuck the people in authority, the system, and everyone that go against you. You do not care what other people will say, not even you’re friends because you feel and you know in yourself that you deserve something. And that something has ruined most of the people I know.

Am too idealistic? Once, my sister told me that I am. Is that bad? Am I being too uptight with everything? Some, I know, are only threading to that line of what’s legal and what’s not. The only thing that they care is getting to that goal. At what cost? Their lives are being slowly clouded. With what, I do not know.

How do you say, “Stop, listen to me because what you’re doing is wrong?” I guess, sometimes—well most of the times, it is hard to stop knowing that you have given your life to the system that is now killing you. You poured your soul to everything that you do and yet, it is still not enough, you will still feel shit because some stupid jerk drops your head in front of the table—where your bosses are eating. Or, you are just as unlucky as I am.

Now, I even wonder if the word initiative is only applicable to our school life. When you clean the white board where your teacher has spent most of the hour scratching, doodling, and possibly tracing dots, you will be praised for an initiative well executed. But at work, when you try to make things easier for everyone (you think you do), you will be shouted in front of everybody for the lack of well, sensitivity. Then your boss will bruised your face further by saying, “How dense can you get?” Yeah, I understand all that.

So, where do you draw the line from all that shenanigans and misery? Correct. From fucking everyone. Yes. You finally did it. But is it not also a way of saying to them that,  “Yeah, I am this, beat it?” Are we not suppose to prove them wrong? That we are capable of changing the system and possibly, bring people to the top of the well? I am hoping and wishing that I can do that without erring. But it’s not always that simple. We will make mistakes, do the right thing, and make mistake for the second time, and most probably a lot of times. As cliché as it sound, but we learn from them, right? I forgot who said this or from where it came from but I believe in this: It’s not who you are that defines you, it’s what you do that does.

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