Thursday, January 3, 2013

I Am The Mover of Change

I have been an advocate of honesty—even though I am having trouble with that as well, like everybody does. And I’m trying so hard to be the prompt, truthful, and sensitive public servant. And I believe, most yuppies of today’s generation are doing what they can to make a change, to contribute to the conservation of anything—something worth saving in this world. But last week, I am not so sure about that anymore.

How does one evolve from one innocent person to this whole monster that you cannot even look every time you remember that truth? Am I that horrible to even judge? I know I still have the light to be the mover of change. But some people who have become so accustomed to the reality of life have long given up that light. The reality that even if you work hard, you will still feel battered because no one’s giving you that recognition you deserve. And in return, you fuck the people in authority, the system, and everyone that go against you. You do not care what other people will say, not even you’re friends because you feel and you know in yourself that you deserve something. And that something has ruined most of the people I know.

Am too idealistic? Once, my sister told me that I am. Is that bad? Am I being too uptight with everything? Some, I know, are only threading to that line of what’s legal and what’s not. The only thing that they care is getting to that goal. At what cost? Their lives are being slowly clouded. With what, I do not know.

How do you say, “Stop, listen to me because what you’re doing is wrong?” I guess, sometimes—well most of the times, it is hard to stop knowing that you have given your life to the system that is now killing you. You poured your soul to everything that you do and yet, it is still not enough, you will still feel shit because some stupid jerk drops your head in front of the table—where your bosses are eating. Or, you are just as unlucky as I am.

Now, I even wonder if the word initiative is only applicable to our school life. When you clean the white board where your teacher has spent most of the hour scratching, doodling, and possibly tracing dots, you will be praised for an initiative well executed. But at work, when you try to make things easier for everyone (you think you do), you will be shouted in front of everybody for the lack of well, sensitivity. Then your boss will bruised your face further by saying, “How dense can you get?” Yeah, I understand all that.

So, where do you draw the line from all that shenanigans and misery? Correct. From fucking everyone. Yes. You finally did it. But is it not also a way of saying to them that,  “Yeah, I am this, beat it?” Are we not suppose to prove them wrong? That we are capable of changing the system and possibly, bring people to the top of the well? I am hoping and wishing that I can do that without erring. But it’s not always that simple. We will make mistakes, do the right thing, and make mistake for the second time, and most probably a lot of times. As cliché as it sound, but we learn from them, right? I forgot who said this or from where it came from but I believe in this: It’s not who you are that defines you, it’s what you do that does.

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