Sunday, April 21, 2013

I Had A Fall Out

Yes, I had a fall out.

Everything slowed down as I saw it, smiling on that picture, so happy, so inlove, so insanely out there. And I cried. I can’t help but cry. Because I know people were rooting for them. They were rooting for themselves even. And everyone liked the pair, the flowers through LBC (yes, I stalked! With an ed. But gee, that was before, way WAY before), the dinner out all over the place, the happy things they did.  I didn’t even bother to look at the dates. I just cried and immediately closed that horrific tab. I can’t type correctly even on my phone while asking stuffs about it to J because I was sobbing hard. But J said it’s an old one. I didn’t try to check if it was really. All I know was I needed to get away. And fast I should go before I drown in melancholy.

The thing about it was that it happened when I was all over the place. A mess, still finding some answers on what went wrong, on how to salvage everything when October of 2011 came… It was one of my darkest days. Months even. But gradually I continued to thread out of faith, believing that He will take care of me. And He did. But before that day came, I was wallowing in misery for almost a year. And as I said to J, it cuts me raw. As if it’s a validation of all the things that I neither want to hear nor see during those times of darkness (yeah darkness coz I thought I lost myself there). Because every time I think of those months when all I could write was how painful things were, tears well up fast. And to see it is beyond unthinkable. To actually be the witness of some nightmare you wished never really happened is simply…I don’t know. Beyond imagination, I suppose.

That picture reminded me of how I almost lost J. Almost. I hope I’ll be understood. And I know it’s my fault, all of it. I know that. And people can all blame me for it. But as much as I try to control the freakiness in me, it won’t go away. It’s like a black hole ready to perish all the living soul in me, all the happy things we had, and all I cherished most. It is tough. More than anyone can know. I don’t want to command things to J just because things are not what they were before. And for the record, I did not coerce anyone to do anything. I asked and J said yes. So much about crying, I should have known better.

All is well, I think. J assured me that it was all part of the prologue. Ours is already starting to make shape. And I would call it, Chapter I: Oui, the Affirmation.

All should be well...

A Thousand Years - Jun Sung Ahn Violin Cover

I should be doing my Project Proposal but I do not have the motivation to do so. I'm worried that I might not finish it on time but it’s as if I do not care as of now. Aaarrgh. Anyway, I’m listening to A Thousand Years of Jun Sung Ahn violin cover. I could melt. It’s a dreamy tune. You’ve got to listen to this.

April 20, 2013

And so one day, little clingy girl ask his man, “Do you still love me, right?” She was bracing for the: “I’m not sure. Stop pestering me.” A bit harsh but yes, she was expecting for an answer closely related to that. And then, to her surprise, he said, “Very much. I love you,” and blew a kiss that exploded like a thousand times inside her.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Roller Coaster Weeks

I was feeling a bit dazed about the things that’s been happening to me lately. Some are good, really good. And some were bad, real bad. I feel like I’m in a roller coaster ride – ALONE. But no, not lonely. I’m just too afraid to let things go as they are because then, I would have no control over it, over things. Not your usual control freak of a woman but, yes, maybe I’m that. But maybe not that much. I don’t know. This past two weeks’ been more like an experience full of anxieties. And God knows how much I prayed for this all to go away; that he knows my heart more than anyone in this world.

There are a lot of things to realize but I summed it all up into three most significant realizations I experienced so far.

Realization number one: Words are really mightier than sword. No matter how good you try to be to the people you know, once you’ve said something, it will be etched to their minds – erasing all the good things you’ve done. It’s my fault, really. But this time, I think I’ve crossed the line.

Out of frustration over that certain time, I’ve said some derogatory remarks to someone. Other people have said that same thing to that person but I was the only one who said that horrible thing aloud. A few seconds after I said it, I realized how it could hurt her. No excuses can be made for it. I’m just, tactless. And this is the reason why I don’t want to be mad… or frustrated or irritated or anything that is synonymous to that. I’m becoming a monster. Why? Or maybe I’m always that monster. And all the things I believed, all the good things I thought I possess are just…superficial (I haven’t resolved this one yet).

Realization number two: Power changes people. Some for good because by the time came that they will get hold of the Excalibur-like seat, they’ll act more responsible, more understanding, more patient, more humble, just more, you know. But some will get stuck of the thought that they were the only one who got hold of that mighty sword among the bunch of conquerors who tried to pull it out. Oh, what I am even talking here (nerd alert). I don’t want to be the one who got stuck into oblivion because they assumed that they have all the power in the world. I want to be worthy of everything that will come my way. It sounds, uh, noble (or perhaps crazy!) but I know I have a lot to prove than just this mere words. Maybe an immersion of some kind is what I need.

But experiences similar to realization number one bring people to their feet. To keep us grounded. I know I was able to pull myself back at that instant but it takes much effort to bring a broken heart to heal. She’s right. I’m young. I need to learn things. Tact is really not my strongest point.

Realization number three: Great love does not exist. And you cannot label one love from the other. Just because they are different with regards to the experience you get, or because you fought so hard for that relationship to work and make people see it will that you can call it your ‘great love’ or whatever. I realized that now. It will always be different. Not that I tried comparing. I’m just confused because I thought I found my great love. But with these things I’m experiencing now, I don’t think I really have or that they existed, for that matter.

As some wise man once said, you must first love yourself, then your family, then some person who’ll treat you like a trash or like a princess. Because no matter what will happen in the end, you’ll still need to left some for yourself. Enough to go on if need be or enough to stay, hoping he won’t turn into a frog just like how others turned out to be.

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