Sunday, April 21, 2013

I Had A Fall Out

Yes, I had a fall out.

Everything slowed down as I saw it, smiling on that picture, so happy, so inlove, so insanely out there. And I cried. I can’t help but cry. Because I know people were rooting for them. They were rooting for themselves even. And everyone liked the pair, the flowers through LBC (yes, I stalked! With an ed. But gee, that was before, way WAY before), the dinner out all over the place, the happy things they did.  I didn’t even bother to look at the dates. I just cried and immediately closed that horrific tab. I can’t type correctly even on my phone while asking stuffs about it to J because I was sobbing hard. But J said it’s an old one. I didn’t try to check if it was really. All I know was I needed to get away. And fast I should go before I drown in melancholy.


The thing about it was that it happened when I was all over the place. A mess, still finding some answers on what went wrong, on how to salvage everything when October of 2011 came… It was one of my darkest days. Months even. But gradually I continued to thread out of faith, believing that He will take care of me. And He did. But before that day came, I was wallowing in misery for almost a year. And as I said to J, it cuts me raw. As if it’s a validation of all the things that I neither want to hear nor see during those times of darkness (yeah darkness coz I thought I lost myself there). Because every time I think of those months when all I could write was how painful things were, tears well up fast. And to see it is beyond unthinkable. To actually be the witness of some nightmare you wished never really happened is simply…I don’t know. Beyond imagination, I suppose.

That picture reminded me of how I almost lost J. Almost. I hope I’ll be understood. And I know it’s my fault, all of it. I know that. And people can all blame me for it. But as much as I try to control the freakiness in me, it won’t go away. It’s like a black hole ready to perish all the living soul in me, all the happy things we had, and all I cherished most. It is tough. More than anyone can know. I don’t want to command things to J just because things are not what they were before. And for the record, I did not coerce anyone to do anything. I asked and J said yes. So much about crying, I should have known better.

All is well, I think. J assured me that it was all part of the prologue. Ours is already starting to make shape. And I would call it, Chapter I: Oui, the Affirmation.

All should be well...

2 comments:

  1. life is all about being in such situations and finding way out from leaving them behind dear,,each misery and duration of finding its solution is a lesson new way of living and wise learn fast ,god bless you

    ReplyDelete
  2. life is all about being in such situations and finding way out from leaving them behind dear,,each misery and duration of finding its solution is a lesson new way of living and wise learn fast ,god bless you

    ReplyDelete

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