Thursday, October 29, 2015

Two Years of a Colorful Life

So today, I am writing for what seemed like eternity. I never imagined myself that I would still go back to writing. It has been, what, 2 years already since my last post and so much has happened that I do not even know where to start...

October 2013
So around that time, I found out I was pregnant. Yes, it was unexpected. I cried, heaps of them. My postgrad study grant was taken away from me, my promotion, all of it. To put it simply, I took it all away from myself. It seems like the end. But when I look back at it, I won't regret a single thing. 

January 2014
Yes, J is the father and we decided to get through with the pregnancy together. It was a pretty practical decision - us in a conservative environment, we are expected to get married. At the very last week before the wedding, I got cold feet. And I said, I can't do this. I can't. I just can't. J...he was pretty supportive and begged me not to decide on the wedding day. I guess, it was all too much for me. So after all the drama, we still pushed through with the wedding. Not because of the "conservative environment" we were in but because we love each other. I chose to love and live with him.

July 2014
On the eve of July 29th, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl in the whole word. I delivered C-section. Yep. Who would believe a healthy 24 year-old girl would experience that way? But hey, battle scar, right? The day before that, I got promoted as well. Lucky charm? I guess so. My life changed to the highest degree possible. I am now a mum. The first three months was the most horrible nights of my life. We would wake up every three hours or so to feed the baby (Adrianne). She can't roll herself, she can't talk, she can't call out (except through crying), but we were everything to her. J and I were her voice, her legs, her arms, her sight. And we love her so dearly. Being a mum, it's a different experience. You strive to be your best so that one day, your kid will be proud knowing you are their mum. I felt that and I'll be forever grateful to A for giving me that wonderful part in her life. I am not perfect. I try to be yes but all I can give her is just me - an imperfect mum who tries her all to give A the best of bests possible in this world.

November 2014
The grant was offered yet again. I don't know what I would do. I have baby to take care of. She's just small. She's barely 4 months old. Can I leave her? At that time, I couldn't just grab it away. I have a family now. Family comes first. True. I'm a breastfeeding mum for goodness sake. It was a long battle believe me. Honestly, I don't know what made me do it. I guess I'm selfish. I was about to leave last 2013 but then I got pregnant and maybe I'm just making "me" first. So yes, I grabbed the opportunity to study abroad, miles away from my family. At that time, it was not that daunting because I can still be denied. Nothing is final as long as my two feet does not kiss the land down under soil.

January 2015
This marks off my one year married life. Time flew so fast. I'm not even sure I give the word "wife" justice. We had lots of fight, J and I but we stood by our marriage. At this time, I was also relying heavily on him in taking care of A because it was also at this month where I finally got it. You see, I studied at the most prominent university in the Philippines but I still am not totally, wholly accepted. As they say, I will act as a spare. If the original people will not get in, then, I can. But I don't want that because from this month up to March of intensive classes, those amazing people became my friends. All of us wants to get in and I don't want to crushed their dreams just for my own. So I was still hoping.. and hoping..and hoping...

April 2015
I cried my heart out for not getting the grant. I thought it was karma. It was already given to me and I screwed it up. I was pretty much devastated. I cried, buckets of them. It tears me hearing news about my friends getting their letter invitation to the final leg before leaving the country. This is to prepare them of the things that they will be experiencing as students in a foreign land, so to speak. I had no choice but to accept it. So I finally moved on with my life and all the drama. I told myself that all I needed to do is just focus on being a mum...and so I did.

May 2015
One midnight, I received a call from someone. Strange because it's 12 midnight and who would call at that hour? Unless of course if you're a prankster but I missed it. I was sleeping like a baby so I was able to view the message left at around 6 in the morning. We were about to go to church when I felt like, this isn't right. The message simply said that I'm now in the list so get ready, give the flight preference now because you will be attending the pre-departure as well. So I said, you got it wrong (because that same person once gave me a wrong information so I was thinking, here you go again). I'm not in the final list. The person texting me said, yes I know, that's why I'm sending you this one because you are now included in the list. I was shocked, definitely. But all came through, my boss was likewise shock and everybody else..and the rest, they say, is history.

July 2015
My baby girl is about to reach another milestone in her life. Unfortunately, by the time she will be having her first birthday, I'm long gone. My flight all the way south is on the 26th. It was heartbreaking but I am just lucky enough to be able to feed her first solid food, saw her first tooth, saw her crawling...but this time, I'll be missing her birthday.

October 2015
Exactly three months forward, I'm facing one of my deadliest assessment ever. The people are nice, sometimes the weather is freezing but I get by most of the time. Some racism but nothing I can't handle. I miss my baby so much, I miss J. It's amazing how time went by and A knows how to ring me. I missed her first step, her "mummy" word, her potty train and all other things, little things about her growing up. They are my inspiration. It is lonely but I believe in this saying from someone anonymous: Even though you're one day further from the last time you saw each other, you are one day closer from the next time you will.

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