Sunday, May 8, 2016

A Letter to the Love of My Life

When you left me, I'm all over the place. You left me with some man I can't even say "I love you."

You remember that note I made for you? I still miss you. You were this amazing person who pushed me when I thought I couldn't. You believed in me more than I to myself. You gave me inspiration and showed me how to truly love without asking for anything in return. When I was starting to find myself in this world where everybody's judging, you comforted me.

I would always remember when you gave my sister that letter. I couldn't forget it because I know you loved her more than I love you. At that time I could not fathom why you would say that but I do now. You said she was your first love. That hurt me then for a little bit but I know it's not something that I could ever take away from you. I saw pictures of you two and you were both adorable. Then one day, I became part of that picture. Always on the background, always the one with that disheveled hair and crumpled clothes but you never really care. You saw me as "that cute kid," the twin to my sister.

When I was growing up, I never knew I could love you the way I love you now. I get jealous of my brothers because they could hang out with you and I couldn't. I know you have always wished for their company and so I always resented them. It was pretty hard growing up knowing you will always be second best; second best to the love I so fervently hoped to have. But you changed my perspectives little by little. You understood me more than my sister. You understood me more than any person that I could think of.

At last, my sister graduated in high school. I had you for myself and although you still hang out with my brothers, I was fine with it. You had your full attention to me at some point. You would wake me up early in the morning just to accompany me going to school. School is no fun but your tutorials and persistence won me over. I became an achiever - all the accolades that my mind could reach, I pursued them. My classmates would even tease me whenever I get good grades in that particular subject because they know you tutored me to it. I was happy and proud we became friends.

I was in high school when I truly realised I love you. At first it was just an admiration but it evolved into something concrete, something that all people could relate. You have always reciprocated, maybe not the way I want it to be but that was enough.You would tease me with some boys in my class and reminded me to be cautious, to always put the idea of finishing school first, to tell you if someone would show interest in me. I heed on what you said and some things I kept for myself. But you always find them out anyway. You were that caring and snoopy.

I remember that time when you cried in front of me because my sister lied to you. She was in college then and she lied about the things that you held so important. I hated her for that, you know. When I was immature (sometimes I still am) and young, I would nag her about that one instance. She broke you and I would always remind her of that until all she could do was look guilty. I had the satisfaction of seeing her face, unable to speak because I know that she knew I was right.

Maybe you had enough or maybe it was really time but on my fourth year in high school, you left us for good. Even though I never get to call you as my own (because I share you with a lot of people), you gave me that everlasting love. You never get to see it but I must admit that when you left me, I was all over the place. You left me with some man I can't even say "I love you." And then I moved on as all people should do. I became entangled with different guys and I never thought of you. Slowly I forgot about you. But every once in a while, I remember...

Today, I am reminded how brave you were to raise us, all five of us. I could never be half of a mother as you were to us. I remember everything, the scolding, the fun times, the love. You showed me what unconditional love is, putting us first before yourself. I could never forget what happened in the hospital which Aunt Tess relayed to us later on. You were in that gurney and you asked the people around you to look after us because you knew there was no food in the house. You weren't able to cook for us, you said. That for me was a mother who loves unconditionally that even in her worse, bleeding, bones crushed, internal organs pierced, you still thought about how we can survive the day even when you were struggling yourself. I love you eternity and beyond. Happy Mother's Day. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

Filtered Messages

I'm bumming around but I'm supposed to study for the final examinations next week. I have three (3) exams and I don't know what to do. So what I did was I decided, out of nowhere, to deactivate messaging in Facebook. I wanted to totally disable the messaging feature in my account that even my friends wouldn't be able to send any messages to me at all. Then I started tinkering and I came with a solution that yes, you can block messages but you have to do it to all of your friends one by one. Nah. That's too much work. I hope Facebook would do something about this. Then I tinkered to some of the features in my message and found the Filtered stuff. I didn't even know this existed. When I clicked on them, I found a bunch of messages from people that I know and some I don't know. I realised it was from people who are not on my friends list and so Facebook automatically filtered them. 

There are several messages that caught my attention though. One is from some guy named Darios and the other one was from another guy named Bryan. I don't know these people but they seem to know me. Shocker. Kind of. So I visited their pages and was trying to remember where I met them but I don't really recall. Anyway, so this Darios guy sent me a hello kind of message saying, "Hi Jen, This is Darios" and I was like, yeah I can see that. But I don't really remember meeting him. Maybe because his profile picture is the one with sunnies? Right. Then going to Bryan. I was melting out of shame when I read his message. HAHAHA! He said hi and then gave me a link. I don't recall ever meeting him but he gave me the link of my old blog entry. I kept on thinking where I saw him and when I was almost done reading that post, I can infer that he used to live at JCA Dormitory - which makes it all embarrassing! Although I still don't remember seeing him there to be honest.

This happens to me ALL THE TIME. People keep on finding my old posts -- which I never delete and edit because hell no, that's part of who I am now (feeeeels!). I remember once when my dentist found my blog about me talking in a post how good he smelled when he was cleaning my teeth. EMBARRASSING to the highest level, CAN YOU IMAGINE? He brought up that blog entry one day when I was about to have my annual appointment and I was red from head to toe! Gosh. But to be fair, I was just complimenting him without malice whatsoever. But it came SO wrong -- because I write like a teenager who you probably thought of as not level headed enough. Pff.

Huh. All these "kamustahan" make me miss home even more. Winter is coming at this part of the globe and it felt like one of those times when Christmas is just around corner and you're all alone. My stress level is at 100 and I still need to pass these courses. Wish me luck. Goodnight (or Goodmorning)!

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